REFLECTIONS OF 2009: THE MIRROR TELLS NO LIES

WSUP GANG,

WELL FRIENDS, HERE WE ARE...AT THE END OF ANOTHER YEAR. AND LIKE MANY OF YOU, I'M TAKING THE TIME TO REFLECT BACK ON EVERYTHING THAT HAS TRANSPIRED OVER THE COURSE OF 2009.

2009 IS A YEAR THAT I LOOK BACK ON WITH BOTH A SENSE OF VALUE AND DISGUST. THOSE THINGS WHICH TRANSPIRED AS PART OF GOD'S PLAN, AS WELL AS THE DECISIONS I'VE MADE BY MY OWN FREE WILL AND ACCORD. HOWEVER, GOOD OR BAD THEY ALL COME TOGETHER INTO ONE UNIQUE DESIGN. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE PREMISE OF WHAT'S ON MY MIND TODAY.

YESTERDAY WHILE I WAS SHAVING, I PAUSED FOR A MOMENT AND TOOK A GOOD LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. AND SUDDENLY I WAS REMINDED OF SOMETHING THAT MY PASTOR ALWAYS SAID: THE MIRROR DOESN'T LIE.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME. IN YOUR SPARE TIME, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING AND GET DRESSED, OR GETTING YOURSELF TOGETHER TO GET IN BED. I WANT YOU TO STOP BY THE MIRROR FOR FEW MINUTES. TAKE A GOOD, LONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR AT YOURSELF. CONCENTRATE ON IT FOR A MOMENT. BECAUSE WHAT YOU SEE LOOKING BACK AT YOU IS THE TRUE ESSENCE OF WHO YOU ARE. THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS EARTH THAT YOU CAN'T LIE TO.

NOW MIND YOU, WE ALL HAVE SHORTCOMINGS, AND WE ALL HAVE SOME FUCKED UP WAYS AS WELL. AND OVER THE COURSE OF OUR DAILY ROUTINES, WE'VE ALL LEARNED HOW TO MASK THESE THINGS. WE'VE LEARNED HOW TO PUT ON OUR MASK AND WALK THROUGH OUR DAYS UN-BOTHERED. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, ONE GLANCE INTO THAT MIRROR EXPOSES THE EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE MANAGED TO SHADOW AND CONCEAL.

*DAMN E-BLACK, THIS IS SOUNDING LIKE SOME REAL SPOOKY SHIT*

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT JUST GO WITH ME, I'M BRINGING THIS HOME IN A MINUTE.

ON THE REVERSE SIDE OF THAT, WHEN YOU LOOK IN THAT MIRROR...YOU SEE ALL THOSE POSITIVE QUALITIES THAT LYE WITHIN YOU. THOSE TRAITS & ATTRIBUTES; IDEAS & THOUGHTS THAT WHEN ACTED UPON AND ALLOWED TO COME TO THE SURFACE COULD TAKE YOU TO HEIGHTS YOU'VE NEVER ACHIEVED, AND OPEN DOORS YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE STRONG ENOUGH TO ENTER.

BUT HERE'S THE CATCH, NO ONE CAN BRING THESE THINGS TO FRUITION EXCEPT THAT PERSON YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR. YES, PEOPLE WILL COME ALONG IN YOUR LIFE AND LEND A HELPING HAND FROM TIME TO TIME. AND YES, GOD'S PLAN FOR US ALL WILL ALWAYS TAKE PRECEDENT REGARDLESS WHETHER WE WANT IT TO OR NOT. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHEN IT ALL BOILS DOWN, YOU HAVE THE FINAL SAY SO IN ALL THAT HAPPENS WITH SELF. ALL OF THOSE SHORTCOMINGS, AND NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT YOU, ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THEM FOR THE BETTER. AND THOSE POSITIVE QUALITIES THAT YOU POSSES, ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER AND THE KNOW HOW TO PUT THEM TO GOOD USE FOR YOUR OWN BETTERMENT.

SO, I WIPED ALL THE SHAVING CREAM OFF MY FACE, LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND I SAID, "SELF, WE'VE MADE IT THROUGH 2009...WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT 2010?" AND SELF LOOKED BACK AT ME AND REPLIED,"DID YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT WE WOULD HAVE MADE IT? LOOK AT THE MAN THAT WE ARE. AND AS FAR AS 2010 IS CONCERNED, WERE GONNA TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME, LOOK TO GOD ABOVE FROM WHICH COMETH OUR HELP, AND WALK INTO THE NEXT CHAPTER OF OUR LIFE."

MY FRIENDS, THIS WORLD IS LIKE A CHECKER BOARD. A STRANGE BALANCE OF BOTH GOOD AND EVIL, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, HAPPY AND SAD, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO PUT IT. AND RIGHTFULLY SO, WE TOO MUST LEARN HOW TO STRIKE THAT BALANCE IN OUR EXISTENCE. HOW TO TREAD THIS MOSAIC PAVEMENT OF OUR LIVES AND YET, NOT STUMBLE.

IT WON'T BE EASY. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT. BUT IT IS ACHIEVABLE.

WELL, LIKE MANY OF YOU I TOO AM LOOKING FORWARD TO 2010 AND ALL THAT IT HAS TO OFFER US.

BUT OCCASIONALLY, AS YOU GO THROUGH THE YEAR, REMEMBER TO STOP AND TAKE THAT GOOD, HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SELF ALONG THE WAY. BECAUSE DESPITE WHATEVER YOU MAY ACHIEVE,EXPERIENCE, OR CONCEAL....THE MIRROR TELLS NO LIE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS,

HAVE FUN, AND BE SAFE.

YOUR FRIEND,

ENIGMABLK

Updates, The Importance of Friends, & The Meaning of a Season

HEY GANG.....I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL.

BUT SERIOUSLY, HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GREAT THANKSGIVING!

I'M TRYING TO FIND MY FESTIVE SIDE. YOU KNOW,GETTING AMPED UP FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON, SO I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME TO GET BACK TO WRITING AND UPDATE YOU ON SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING WITH ME AND SOME OF MY THOUGHTS.

WELL, WE HAVE JUST MARKED THE START OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH THE PASSING OF THANKSGIVING, SADLY I HAVE TO REPORT THAT I'VE JUST GONE THROUGH A BREAKUP. ....BLAH!!!

HOWEVER, FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER I'M OK WITH IT THIS TIME. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I MADE THE BEST EFFORT POSSIBLE TO MAKE IT WORK. OR MAYBE I'M JUST A LIL WISER NOW, AND CAN TELL WHEN IT'S TIME TO THROW IN THE TOWEL.

NOT TO PUT BLAME ON ANYONE FOR THE BREAKUP,(THERE IS ENOUGH TO GO AROUND ON BOTH SIDES). BUT I'M COMPELLED BY A STRONG SENSE OF REALITY LATELY THAT DOESN'T AFFORD ME THE THE LUXURY OF LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD.

AIGHT....ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. LET'S GET TO WHATS ON MY MIND.

OK, SO LAST NIGHT AFTER THE "OFFICIAL" BREAK-UP I DECIDED THAT INSTEAD OF STARING AT THE FOR WALLS OF MY ROOM LOOKING STUPID, I'D GO OUT FOR A BIT AND TRY TO CLEAR MY HEAD. SO I HIT UP THAT SPOT THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS(IN******S), AND RAN INTO MANY OLD FRIENDS WHO WERE IN TOWN FOR THE HOLIDAY.

LET ME TELL YOU, THE LOVE I GOT FROM SO MANY PEOPLE LAST NIGHT WAS SO COMFORTING, IT WAS ALMOST OVERWHELMING. (I HATE MUSHY SH*T..LOL)

BUT IT GOT ME TO THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I HAVE LONG FORGOT IN RECENT MONTHS....THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDS.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I COME FROM A SMALL FAMILY,(THREE GENERATIONS OF THE ONLY CHILD...YES, ITS TRUE). AND WITH THE PASSING OF MY MOM IN JUNE, MY LIL PERSONAL FAMILY GOT EVEN SMALLER.

DESPITE THE EMOTION EXHAUSTION OF LOOSING A LOVED ONE SO CLOSE, GOD HAS SEEN FIT TO CONTINUE TO SUSTAIN ME AND MY GRANDMOTHER(THAT'S MY PARTNER IN CRIME YALL...LOL) AND WE'VE ENJOYED DOING MANY THINGS LATELY AS A TEAM.

BUT LAST NIGHT, WHILE I WAS LAUGHING IT UP WITH OLD FRIEND, I WAS REMIND OF HOW MUCH GOD HAS TRULY BLESSED ME IN OTHER WAYS. I'VE BEEN SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF EXTENDED FAMILY THROUGH CLOSE FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES THROUGHOUT MY YOUNG YEARS.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE MEANING OF A SEASON.

NOT NECESSARILY THE HOLIDAY SEASON, PER SAY. BUT WHAT IT MEANS TO GO THROUGH A SEASON IN ITS ESSENCE.

*GET TO THE POINT E-BLACK*

OK, I'M GETTING THERE...LOL.

A SEASON MEANS CHANGE! (DANG, THAT WAS SIMPLE)

OK, TO ELABORATE A LIL MORE...TO GO THROUGH A SEASON MEANS TO EVOLVE. SOMETIMES, SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY, OR EMOTIONALLY.

AND I WAS REMINDED TODAY OF TWO IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT SEASONS...

1. NO SEASON LAST FOREVER & 2. NO SEASON RUNS BACK TO BACK.

*BREAK IT DOWN(E) E-BLACK!!!*

OK, LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN TWO FALLS RUNS BACK TO BACK? OR TWO SUMMERS, ETC. OF COURSE NOT, A SEASON IS DESIGNED TO RUN IT'S COURSE, CARRY YOU THROUGH IT'S CHANGES,THEN YIELD TO THE NEXT SEASON AND ALL THAT IT HAS TO OFFER.

I WRITE THIS, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT JUST LIKE I'VE BEEN THROUGH MY EMOTIONAL SEASONS THIS YEAR, MANY OF YOU HAVE ENDURED THROUGH YOUR OWN SEASONS. SEASONS OF DISAPPOINTMENT, OR STRUGGLE, OR HURT. BUT ALL SEASON COME TO AND END, AND NEW SEASONS OF LOVE, AND PROSPERITY, AND ENHANCEMENT ARE SOON TO FOLLOW. THESE ARE JOURNEYS IN LIFE THAT WE MUST ALL TAKE. THERE IS NO GETTING AROUND IT.

WITH THAT BEING SAID, THE ALL SEASONS HAVE A PURPOSE, AND AN END.

SO, LOVE, LAUGH, CRY, STRUGGLE, ENDURE, LEARN, GROW, AND EMBRACE ALL THAT YOUR SEASON HAS TO OFFER.

AIGHT, I'M THROUGH WITH MY EASTER SPEECH FOR NOW. TIME TO FINISH PUTTING UP MY XMAS LIGHTS, POUR ME A LIL YAK IN THE EGGNOG, AND ENJOY THE FRIENDS THAT MY SEASONS HAVE BROUGHT ME.

I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY YOURS.

AND I HOPE THAT YOU CONTINUE TO KEEP READING.

TILL LATER,

ENIGMABLACK

A NEW HOPE

WSUP PEEPS!!!

WELL, HERE I AM. AFTER EVERYTHING THAT LIFE HAS THROWN AT ME AS OF LATE, AND YET....STILL STANDING.

I GUESS THIS ENTRY ISN'T DESIGNED TO BE ENTERTAINING, AS MANY OF MY PREVIOUS ONES HAVE BEEN. BUT MORE OR LESS AN UPDATE ON WHERE I AM IN LIFE.

OF COURSE THINGS HAVE BEEN A LIL DIFFICULT SINCE MOM PAST, BUT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON I FEEL A SENSE OF CHANGE IN THE AIR. AS IF THIS SEASON OF STRUGGLE THAT I'VE BEEN DESTINED TO GO THRU AS MANY HAVE GONE BEFORE ME IS SOON TO END. AND SOMETIME SOON, A NEW SEASON IS FORTHCOMING. NOT NECESSARILY A NEW SEASON OF PROSPERITY( LIKE THE MEGA-CHURCH PREACHERS LOVE TO YAP ABOUT), BUT MORE LIKE A NEW SEASON OF EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT. (QUIT GETTING PHILOSOPHICAL AND GET TO THE POINT E). MY BAD GUYS.

WELL, RECENTLY I RAN INTO AN OLD FROM MY PAST. SOMEONE I WAS NEVER REALLY TOO CLOSE TO, BUT ALWAYS ADMIRED.(YEAH, I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM, SO WHAT) WE SORT OF HAVE A CHANCE MEETING, AND OLE SPARKS HAVE KINDA REKINDLED BETWEEN US. NOT TO SAY THAT ANYTHING WILL COME OF IT, BUT IT WAS REFRESHING TO SEE HIM. WE CHATTED, CHOPPED IT UP, SPENT SOME TIME WITH EACH OTHER. HE'S EXPRESSED THAT LIKE MY SITUATION, LIFE HASN'T BEEN TOO EASY FOR HIM LATELY AS WELL. I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD THE OLD EXPRESSION, "MISERY LOVES COMPANY". WELL, I DON'T THINK IT'S ANYTHING LIKE THAT. BUT IT DOES FEEL GOOD TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN SHARE DIFFICULT MOMENTS WITH, AND BE ENCOURAGING TOWARD EACH OTHER.

WITH ALL THAT SAID, LET ME ASSURE YOU, THAT I'M SURE THERE IS MORE TO COME FOR ME AND MY ADVENTURES WITH THIS BLOG AS WELL AS MY EXPERIENCES HERE IN THE RIVER CITY.

TILL THEN,

ENIGMABLK

A RE-EVALUATION OF PRIORITIES....

Well, i know it's been more than a month since my last entry...but here we are. At it again...ready to jump back into the thick of this lifestyle and its issues.

When i first started this blog, I intended for it to be a mix of light-hearted humor, and opinions on issues that i thought were worthy of discussion about this lifestyle.

Since my last post, I've recently had to deal with the death of a parent(my mother). And like most people I took some time to myself both to grieve and try to make sense of the situation. Death is never an easy subject to discuss or explain. It just simply is what it is at times. I have come to a realization that it is not the act of death itself that invokes emotion, but more or less how we react to the situation.

Me and my mother had a very close relationship. Almost like a friendship(call me a mommas boi, i know). So, it's taken me some time to get use to the fact that she is "physically" gone from my life. However, I think what has effected me the most this past month is not her passing, but simply how much I learned that she touched other people along the way. I was so overwhelmed by how many people came to me and said how much my mother meant to them. People who I didn't know, who wrote cards with kind words, or called and expressed there condolences. It was through all of this that i realized that, though my mother lived a simple life; simply being the person that she was helped to leave an impression among many people through her lifetime.

So, here I am. Not a person of any significant social clout or financial status. I hold no PhD or scholarly awards. But yet, I feel that if my mom could have such a lasting effect on the lives of so many people, than who am I to simply squander my days being concerned about self and not attempting to affect any change on the people i cross paths with throughout my life.

I know much of what I'm saying sounds like I'm ranting,but try to hear me out.

I contribute my mother for teaching me a great deal in life. But i feel that she has taught me the most important lesson possible in her passing.

Simply put: DO ALL YOU CAN, WHILE YOU CAN.

And so, i come to a crossroads in life. A point of self reflection, and re-evaluation. Not that I've squandered time(though i must admit i have been in a bit of a rut before all this), but that I utilize all of the gifts that God has endowed me with to leave my mark on this world.

How best do I do this? Well, I'm not one to go into a whole rant on spirituality and social climates. But, I do hope that the things we talk about in the future of this blog, along with the things i do in my personal life will be of some sort of usefulness. Not of some material nature(I ain't trying to teach you how to live financially sound or nothing like that) and not in some amusing way all the time,( No E.Lynn Harris, may he rest in peace). But hopefully what I write, along with my peculiar view on issues affecting not just those of us in the GBLT lifestyle but people in general will in some way leave an indelible mark on the consciousness of those who read it.

I know that many times I've jumped off into a rant here or there. And more often than not, my thoughts may not come off very straight forward, or simple to read. But then again, if Picasso meant to be the normal, then "Guernica" would be as easy to interpret as a kindergarten drawing. (Do your research on that one...lol)

In the meantime, I look forward to continuing to write, perfecting my style, and expressing my views about this world we live in.

I hope you continue to read.

EnigmaBlk

THE "YO-YO" EFFECT: DRAWING YOU CLOSE, THEN PUSHING YOU AWAY IN RELATIONSHIPS & DATING

HEY PEEPS!!! BEEN A COUPLE OF WEEKS SINCE I DROPPED A NEW ENTRY(BEEN ENJOYING THIS BEAUTIFUL SPRING WEATHER). SO, I GUESS I'LL TRY TO GIVE YOU A BRIEF UPDATE ON WHATS BEEN GOING ON WITH ME.

WELL, ME AN THE EX HAVE RECONCILED. WE'RE NOT BACK TOGETHER, BUT WE HAVE AGREED TO REMAIN FRIENDS. HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN PRETTY GOOD AT LISTENING TO MY ISSUES AS OF LATE. ON THE OTHER HAND, THE GUY I WAS SEEING SIMPLY FELL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. WENT OUT OF TOWN FOR A BUSINESS TRIP A FEW WEEKS AGO....STOPPED RETURNING MY CALLS & TEXTS.

WELL, I DIDN'T LET THAT SPOIL MY CHEERFUL SPRING SPIRIT, SO I WENT OUT ON A LIMB A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AND DID SOMETHING TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR MYSELF. I HIT UP AN OLE ACQUAINTANCE THAT I SAW ONLINE AND ASKED THEM OUT ON A LIL DAYTIME EXCURSION(CALL IT A DATE IF YOU WANT TO...WHATEVER) SO, WE WENT OUT, AND HIT IT OFF INSTANTLY(UNLIKE OUR FIRST ENCOUNTER). WE GENUINELY HAD A GOOD TIME. SO MUCH SO, THAT WE FOUND OURSELVES TOGETHER AGAIN, THE NEXT DAY, AND SEEING EACH OTHER THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, AS WELL AS THIS PAST WEEKEND. THE VIBE HAS DEFINITELY BEEN THERE BETWEEN US.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN....OUT THE BLUE, HERE COMES THE OTHER BROTHER. WITH HIS LIST OF EXCUSES FOR WHY I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM......BLAH!!!! HIS PHONE WAS OFF, HE WAS EXTREMELY BUSY, ETC....BLAH!!!

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SUBJECT OF MY ENTRY: WHY DO WE DESIRE COMPANIONSHIP, THEN WHEN THINGS GET GOOD WE TEND TO DISTANCE OURSELVES?

OK, YES, I'M SURE IT'S MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT SIMPLE STATEMENT. BUT HOW MANY OF US HAVE FOUND OURSELVES IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS? YOU MAKE A CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE, THINGS ARE GOING GOOD. THEN NO SOONER THAN YOU THINK THE BALL IS ROLLING, EITHER YOU OR THE PERSON FIND SOME REASON TO HIT THE BRAKES AND SLOW THINGS DOWN. OR BETTER YET ONE OF YOU GETS COLD FEET AND DELIBERATELY DISTANCES YOURSELF FROM THE OTHER PERSON. ONLY TO TRY TO DRAW THEM BACK AT A LATER TIME WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU OR THEM?

OK, NOW I'M GETTING A LIL DEEP WITH IT, I KNOW. YOUR SAYING, "BUT EBLACK, RELATIONSHIPS & DATING SHOULDN'T BE RUSHED." THIS IS TRUE, NO ARGUMENT FROM ME ON THAT POINT. HOWEVER, MANY OF US CLAIM THAT WE ARE DESIROUS OF SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH ANOTHER PERSON. BUT FOR SOME REASON WE CHOOSE NOT TO FOLLOW OUR"GUT INSTINCT" WHEN IT COMES TO DATING, AND WE GO FOR THE SAFE,(OR BETTER YET, THE EASY) WAY OUT BEFORE WE FIND OURSELVES EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED. IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, OF COURSE. MANY OF US RECALL THE "LAST" RELATIONSHIP WE HAD. OR WE TEND TO DWELL ON THE MANY BAD EXPERIENCES OF OUR PAST TO THE POINT WHERE IT BLOCKS US FROM ANY KIND OF FORWARD MOMENTUM IN POSSIBLY FINDING HAPPINESS(WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY)

SIMPLY PUT: WE BRING OUR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE WITH US EVERY FUCKIN WHERE LOVE TAKES US!!!

IT'S NOT TO SAY THAT IS A BAD THING. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GUARDED ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS. THAT'S A PART OF LEARNING FROM YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES. BUT SO OFTEN THAN NOT, WE GO BEYOND THAT AND ALLOW PAST EXPERIENCES TO BLOCK FUTURE ROMANCES AND POSSIBLE KIN SHIPS WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL THAT HAS COME INTO OUR LIVES. (THERE IS SOMEWHAT OF A SPIRITUAL CONNOTATION TO IT, BUT I'LL TRY NOT TO GET TO DEEP ON THAT)

I MEAN, EVEN WITH THE GUY I TOOK OUT, WE KINDA HAVE AN ON/OFF FRIENDSHIP GOING FOR US RIGHT NOW. SOME DAYS, WERE REALLY CLOSE. BUT EVEN WITH THAT, HE'S COMMUNICATED TO ME THAT SOME DAYS HE'S NOT EVEN FEELING THE "KISSY-KISSY" KINDA STUFF. AND I'M COOL WITH THAT.I'VE HAD TO LEARN THAT EVERYONE DOESN'T AND WON'T APPROACH RELATIONSHIPS,DATING, AND LOVE LIKE I DO. I TEND TO BE A HARD ASS FOR THE MOST PART. BUT WHEN I MEET A PERSON, AND MY INSTINCTS TELL ME THAT THERE "ON THE LEVEL" I HAVE NO PROBLEM OPENING UP TO THEM ON THE TRUE TENANTS OF WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M ALL ABOUT. I REALIZE, THAT THIS APPROACH DOESN'T WORK, AND IN SOME CASES ISN'T HEALTHY FOR EVERYONE(SHIT, IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HEALTHY FOR ME) SO, I'VE TRIED TO BE A LIL MORE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT PEOPLE AND THIS "YO-YO" EFFECT THEY HAVE GOING FOR THEM.

BUT I MUST CAUTION AGAINST LETTING THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR DRAG ON. EVENTUALLY, WE ALL WILL HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION ON THE DIRECTION YOU WANT YOUR COURTSHIP TO GO IN. EITHER IT'S TIME TO CUT THE STRING AND LET EM LOOSE, OR DRAW THEM IN, TUCK THEM AWAY, AND CONTINUE ENJOYING IT FOR YOURSELF.

HMMM, THINK I'LL CALL THE EX AND SEE WHAT HIM AND HIS HUBBY ARE DOING.

I'M OUT

EBLACK

LOVE VS. HAPPINESS(CAN THE TWO CO-EXIST?)

Ok, so another week has past, and I've had time to reflect on my own person feelings regarding relationships. I spoke to an old friend online this past week who peeped my blog and helped me come to grips with some things. Basically, he told me that he felt that I was holding back(obviously, i'm not gonna parade all my biz for you all), and that i needed to contemplate on my own feelings regarding love, relationships, and what truly makes me happy.So, after a lively discussion with my friend(that got a lil heated, and then sexually appealing near the end....what can I say, i'm a man.), I took some time to myself to ponder on my thoughts about my own pursuits of happiness.

Here I am, 31 years old, somewhat sucessful,(ain't ballin, but i'm not hurting for anything either), pretty family oriented, somewhat popular in the circles that i run in(though, i've never been one to be snooty, or stand-offish. Just keep to myself most of the time.), and yet when it comes to relationships, I've probably got one of the worst averages for sucess possible. I've dated, and loved women, i've dated, and loved men. However, i've never really found happiness with either of them. I guess that further bosters my theory of the whole bi/dl sterotype(which i hate by the way). Basically, i've never seen gender as a boundry for love. The last two women i dated knew that i liked men, and the last two guys i dated, vice-versa. I've never been tempted to cheat on one with the other. If i'm with you, i'm with you....get it? But when it comes to happiness, it seems like i'm missing something.

Take my last serious relationship for example. Met this guy in late 2007, we talked, exchanged ideas and feelings. Really got a vibe for one another. Started dating, really working well. Then certain circumstances prevented us from being together(the N#igga moved away on me). But because of the love I had developed for him, i went against one of my own rules and tried the "long-distance thang". Yes, i truly, and sincerly loved him, but the situation we were in prevented me from being happy with him.(Can't lie, i needed some love and attention and you can't do that for me 300 miles away) In essence, happiness was absent from the relationship.

By the same tolken, take the guy i've been seeing now. This brother knows how to make a dude feel like a king. Again were have some distance between us, but he definately makes an effort to see me, and i him when possible. When I'm with him, i'm happy. However, there are those moments when I feel like were on totally different pages with regards to things. We definately make each other happy, however the spark of love just hasn't kindled yet.

So, here I am, trying to discover what it takes for the two of these wonder feelings to co-exist with one another. Well, no one said that relationships were meant to be easy. So, we'll just see how things work out. Damn, where is Al Green when you need him?

To be continued...

THE MOST AKWARD OF SUNDAY DINNERS

Sunday always brings a refreshing perspective to things on my heart and mind. For some strange reason, i developed a mind to be in church on Sundays at an early age. Guess it was my pastor, who himself was a professional muscian, that instilled that quality in me. He use to tell me that no matter how much partying he did on Friday and Saturday night, he just didn't feel right not being in church on Sunday. Kinda hypocritical, I admit...but it works for me.



This particular Sunday was an unusual one. Normally, i'd get my praise on at chruch, find my way over to moms house for some good cooking, and strectch out on the couch for a bit. But this week, with all the "Monkey Wrenches" that have been tossed in my path, I opted to accept an invitation from a friend I ran into at the club Saturday night to come over and have dinner at his spot.



Now, those of you who know me, you just know i'm anti-social, right? So untrue!! I guess i just choose to be cautious about my actions and behavior around people in the lifestyle. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something about some people in this gay culture that just comes off as so fake. Not that we don't deal with fake people in the everyday world, but my Fake-O-Meter constantly goes off regarding meeting people in the lifestyle. Then again, I myself have on many occassions had to put on a "happy face" in the presence of uncompfortable situations.But with all the issues i've been confronting, and still riding a spring fever high from the club, i decided to venture out of my comfort zone and accept the invite.



So i make it to my friends place, hit the door, walk in, and then it hits me....I REALLY AM UNCOMPFORTABLE MEETING GAY PEOPLE!

Ok, maybe that's an overstatement. I know how to be cordial when meeting folks. But some of us in this lifestyle tend to try and portray ourselves as something more than we are in hopes of masking our own insecurities. It's almost like your saying that being gay affords you to the opportunity to create an entirely different personality from who you really are. Maybe this is just a defense mechanism, who knows. I mean, it's already difficult enough being gay in this world, (especially in this ole-ass, bible-belt, deep south, country-ass city of Jax). However, many of us take these portrayals to extreme limits and measures, eventually cutting ourselves off from reality.

As I enter the living room and greet everyone, i recognize a couple of people from the club or previous run-ins(no, i'm not gonna elaborate...so don't ask). As if it wasn't difficult enough putting on a happy face around new people, now I have to pretend to be meeting most of them for the first time as well? Shit!

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like the odd one out before? Well, needless to say that was what I was feeling the whole time there. I took a seat in the corner, behind the couch(partially tryin to be inconspicuous and partially cause it was the only one left), and began to eat my meal while the others engaged in light conversation.

Then, here it comes....the awkward moments of silence. The quick, but subtle glances. As if you were being disected beneath a micro-scopic lens. Why do I subject myself to these kinda situations? Come on E-black, a friend invited you. Lets just maintain and be out at the earliest chance.

So , i sit and watch a lil tv(Entertainment Tonight, when i'd rather be watching the CBS World News) And try to be a lil engaging.

Oh Damn....Now BET? I hate this F'nk network!!

Ok E-black, you've been an cordial as you possibly can. Now it's time to find an out and get up out of here.

Damn, he beat me to that one. Ok, i'll catch it on the next commercial break.

Great, time to whip......

"Well folks, looks like the street lights are on, i best to get on home before it get late."

SUCESS....If i hurry, i can still catch happy hour at the bar.

Talk about an akward situation.

CLUB SCENES,DRAMA, & HEART STRINGS

Ok, so i'm still stressing over the relationship issues that have developed. So, what better way to blow off some steam than to hit the club and mingle for a bit(I have to admit, i want my relationship to work. But I do like to flirt...don't worry he knows) So, dispite the fact that J-ville boast to be the largest city in the country(land-wise anyway) the selection of night spots that cater to the GBLT lifestyle are a bit on the slim side. However, theres only one spot in town that would be worth hittin up on a Saturday night. (No, i'm not naming it...you already know)

Ok, so i hit the door a lil after 12. Grab my usual spot at the front bar where the head bartender is a good friend(Hell, he's everyone's good friend), and I post up. It must have been something in the air...spring fever. Call it what you what. But I saw some faces I havn't seen in a good minute or two. Old friends were just poppin up out the woodworks and such. I saw an ole flame that just always managed to make me feel good no matter what mood i was in. Some of my friends who have been dating forever(damn, there bout to move away), and some new faces of peeps that i've chatted with online over the years.

I have to admit, for the first time in a long time if felt good to be in the spot and enjoying the atmosphere with friends. Definately the distraction I needed at the moment from my own relationship/monkey wrench situation.

But as I sat there and soaked up the vibe I couldn't help but ponder on some things. What was so special about this particular night that everyone was seeming to get along? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that we don't know how to behave. But I have to tell you that I have been present on some nights where it was just simply "Awf Tha Chain" up in there. I don't know if it was the full moon, or the hot summers(you know us folks don't do heat well) but I can recall some nights where fights would break out at the drop of a hat in that spot.

However, just like the seasons change, so do people. With the dawn of a new spring, people mature, habits and behaviors change(not always for the best though), and some the the "kids" that I can remember sneakin in the club at 17 and sneakin drinks at 20, I have to say I was proud to see conducting themselves with a lil grown and sexy swag now at 21-25.

Yet, dispite in the mist of a club riding a good vibe for the night, i couldn't help but notice how drama will definately try to find a way to creep it's ugly M#thaF#ckin head in.

Aight, so i've had a good time, i run into one of my friends(not a close friend...you know i don't do close friends), but a good dude who i've always admired. This boi never has a frown on his face. This is the only dude that I know that could turn down and advancement from you(believe me i've tried), do it with a smile and make you feel good that he did it. So, i have to admit it caught be by surprise to look accross the bar as the club was lettin out to see him with a frown. Something obviously had went down that didn't sit to well with him. As I'm walkin to my car, he's in front of me, upset about something. It's normally not my place to worry bout other peoples shit. But me and dude share the same sign, so i can kinda relate to how he feels(specially when you get pissed bout something). So, i made it a point to check on him and at least speak.

I guess the point of my story is this: We all talk often about the stereotypes of this lifestyle. How just simply by design certain things will transpire. It just is what it is, right? I mean, here's a guy whom I have alot of respect for. Well respected in the GBLT community, always seems to be on point(except the nigga always seem to be out of cigarettes and bumbin mine. Fuck it, the dude has always been 100 with me) And yet, dispite the fact that he seems to have most things in tack, he too is dealin with drama.

So, if this brother can be affected by drama and issues, who the hell am I to complain about how my sh*t isn't goin well, right?

And i guess thats the premise of this entry. Many of us talk about how we desire to kick it, chill, hang out with someone, have a relationship that is drama free. We proclaim from our profiles that we don't do "drama". But what is drama? Ok, many of us are desirous of being in a relationship, finding that person that we can spend our time with, and develop something meaningful in the long run. But we fail to realize that in order to get to that level there has to be some sort of emotional attachments. And when shit doesn't work out as planned, then things get a lil messy...i.e. drama.

And guess what peeps, no matter how much, you say your not about it, or you try to avoid it, when there are feelings involved it's going to go down.

Now, the key is this: HOW ARE YOU GONNA HANDLE IT WHEN IT DOES?

Think About It.....

I'm going to call the bf now.

Catch Yall Later.

E-Black

RELATIONSHIPS, EXES, & MONKEY WRINCHES.

OK, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER DISCUSS THIS ISSUE OUTSIDE OF MY OWN HEAD, LET ALONE ON A BLOG FOR THE WORLD TO SEE....BUT OK.

RELATIONSHIP: 1: the state of being related or interrelated 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: kinship b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b: a romantic or passionate attachment

EX: : one that formerly held a specified position or place ; especially : a former spouse

MONKEY WRENCH: 1 : a wrench with one fixed and one adjustable jaw at right angles to a straight handle 2 : something that disrupts

OK, SO I'M DATING AGAIN(SPECIFICALLY THIS ONE GUY I MET) THE VIBE IS GOING WELL(DISPITE SOME ROAD BUMPS) AND I'M AT LEAST ON MY WAY TO FEELING HAPPY ABOUT THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP ASPECT OF MY LIFE AGAIN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN...I GET THE CALL. IT'S THE EX. "JUST CALLING TO SEE HOW YOU BEEN. WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M MOVING BACK TO TOWN...ETC. I'M DATING SOMEONE."

OK, INITIALLY I'M THINKING THIS IS JUST AN ATTEMPT TO THROW IT IN MY FACE. YOU KNOW...KINDA A WAY OF SAYING, "LOOK, I'M OVER YOU NOW..BLAH, BLAH". TO WHICH I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH. RELATIONSHIPS COME AND GO...IT'S NATURAL RIGHT. I'M ON MY WAY TO BEING HAPPY, YOUR ON YOUR WAY TO BEING HAPPY. THEN END.....RIGHT?

THEN THIS NIGGA LAYS IT ON ME...."I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU"

NOW WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT SHIT?

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

NOW, I'LL ADMIT, OLE E-BLACK MADE PLENTY OF MISTAKES WITH THIS GUY. I WASN'T ABLE TO DO FOR HIM LIKE I REALLY WANTED TO WHEN WE FIRST MET. AND YES, I SOMETIMES LOST MY TEMPER(GIVE ME A BREAK...I'M HUMAN) BUT I ALWAYS TRIED TO AT LEAST BE STR8 UP ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR HIM AND ABOUT HIM.

NOW , WERE SEPARATED. I'M WITH SOMEONE ELSE, YOUR WITH SOMEONE ELSE(WHOM YOU HAVE EXPRESSED YOU NOW LIVE WITH...YEAH, I'M STILL A LIL SALTY BOUT THAT) BUT WERE BOTH MOVING ON.....RIGHT?

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

WTF YOU MEAN YALL MOVING IN TOGETHER? (SO SOON...DAMN.) *SCRATCHES HEAD* I MEAN, WE JUST BROKE UP NO LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AGO. IT'S COOL, LONG AS YOUR HAPPY, THEN I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

INSERT MONEKY WRENCH!!!!

HOLD IT...YOU MEAN YOU AND THIS NIGGA DONE BEEN ON VACATION TOGETHER? (DAMN...WE HAVN'T BEEN SEPARATED THAT LONG...WTF? ) NAW, IT'S COOL THOUGH. I'M GLAD YALL HITTIN IT OFF WELL.

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!!

WHY CAN'T I REACH OLE BOI? (CURRENT BF) AND WHY ARE YOU(THE EX) TEXTIN ME IN THE NIGHTIME? SHOULD YOU BE WITH YA DUDE? WHAT YOU MEAN HE'S IN THE OTHER ROOM....GO IN THERE WITH HIM THEN.

INSERT MONEKY WRENCH!!!!!!!!

LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS...YOUR DATING SOMEONE, SO AM I. LETS JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. NO, I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU. YOUR STILL IN LOVE WITH ME? DAMN!

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*TEXTING THE EX AT 1AM* HOW THE F*CK YOU GOIN TELL ME YOUR IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT YET YOU GOT THIS NEW NIGGA IN YO HOUSE(TO WHICH I WAS NEVER ALLOWED), GOIN ON TRIPS(WHEN YOU WOULD NEVER COME VISIT ME WHEN I WAS DOWN ON MY LUCK), AND LAYIN IN YO BED(WHEN WE DAMN SHO HAVE NEVER SHARED AN INTIMATE MOMENT) WTF!!!??

AIGHT E-BLACK...QUIT TRIPPIN...IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS. YOU HAVE A DUDE OF YOUR OWN NOW. HE'S BEEN HOLDING YOU DOWN WHEN YOU DEFINATLEY NEEDED IT. LET THAT SH#T GO.

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK (EX) I TOLD YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS.........OK, YES, I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO. BUT I JUST DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS.

HOLD IT...YOU THE ONE BROUGHT THIS SHIT UP! AND NOW YOU TALKIN BOUT YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS? WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? I TOLD YOU, IF I CAN'T BE YOUR MAN, THEN I DAMN SHO DON'T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND!!! HOW THE F*CK YOU GOIN TELL ME SOME SH#T ABOUT YOU LOVE ME, AND ANOTHER NIGGA IS LAYIN IN BED WITH YOU. NOW I CAN'T SLEEP, THINKING BOUT YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE. HAVING THE LIFE THAT WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAVING.

LEMME CALL MY DUDE...I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.

WHAT.....ARE YOU SERIOUS (CURRENT BF). WHAT YOU MEAN WE NEED TO JUST FUCK AND GET IT OUT OUR SYSTEM. LMAO!!! YOU SILLY MANE...GUESS THATS WHY I LOVE YOU DUDE.

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

9PM

*CALLING THE BF*

NO ANSWER

10PM *CALLS BF* NO ANSWER

10:15 *TEXTING THE EX*

HEY, YOU BUSY?
*REPLY*
NAW, WSUP?

*ON THE PHONE WITH THE EX*

3AM
*LYING IN BED, WONDERING WHERE THE BF IS*

WHY HAVN'T I HEARD FROM HIM? QUIT TRIPPIN E-BLACK, YOU KNOW OLE BOI IS OUT OF TOWN WORKING. IT'S COOL.

DAY TWO

HAVN'T HEARD FROM THE BF, WONDER IF EVERYTHING IS OK? NAW, I'M SURE HE'S FINE.

DAY THREE

STILL HAVN'T HEARD FROM THE BF. WONDER WHAT THE EX IS DOING?

*TEXING THE EX*

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

WHY THE F*CK COULDN'T MY EX JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. NOW I'M SECOND GUESSING MYSELF. AND OLE BOI IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND(CURRENT BF) MAYBE I JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE.

TO BE CONTINUED......

LIVING THE LIFE....IN THE RIVERCITY (INTRODUCTION)

OK, YALL DONE MADE ME DO. FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I'VE BEEN TALKIN BOUT THIS DAMN BLOG FOR A MINUTE, AND NOW IT'S HERE.

WHY START A BLOG E?....WHY EVEN CARE?

I DON'T KNOW GANG, BUT OBVIOUSLY I'VE BEEN HARBORING SOME DEEP FEELINGS BOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE.

I HAVE COME TO DISCOVER THAT LIVING THE GBLT LIFESTYLE IS TRULY A UNIQUE AND PERPLEXING SITUATION AT TIMES....ESPECIALLY LIVING IN THE RIVERCITY(DUVAL!!!!!) HOWEVER, I STAND BY SOME OF MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LIFESTYLE...SIMPLY PUT: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT HOW YOU DO IT THAT COUNTS. SO WHY NOT USE A FORUM WHERE I CAN EXPRESS MY IDEAS AND VIEWS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE AND DIGEST FOR THEMSELVES.

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M NOT ABOVE ANYONE ELSE WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH SITUATIONS. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME, KNOW THAT I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF SPECIAL AT ALL. YEAH, I GOT A PRETTY NICE WHIP(SHIT, SOME OF YALLS ARE BETTER). YEAH, I GOT SWAG( BUT I CAN'T TOUCH SOME OF YALL). HOWEVER, PERIODICALLY FROM TIME TO TIME PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT THEY REALLY ADMIRED HOW I HANDLE AND CONDUCT MYSELF WITH CERTAIN THINGS. PEOPLE HAVE READ MY PROFILE ON VARIOUS SITES(WHICH WILL REMAIN NAMELESS...NO SHOUTOUTS....LOL) AND SAID THAT THEY ENJOYED READING WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. SO I FELT THAT IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL FOR MY PEOPLE (GBLT) IN THIS CITY.

NOW, PLEASE UNDERSTAND...SOME OF THIS, SOME OF YOU WON'T GET. IT'S OK, THERES ALOT THAT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS LIFE AND LIFESTYLE. BUT IF WE CAN BEGIN TO HAVE MEANINGFUL DISCUSSION AND DIALOGUE ABOUT THINGS THAT AFFECT US, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE WE CAN CAUSE SOME OF THE THINKING AND BEHAVIOR OF THE GBLT COMMUNITY TO CHANGE IN THIS CITY.

NOW, I'M ONLY ONE MAN, NOBODY SPECIAL. BUT I THINK AT THIS POINT IN LIFE I HAVE AT LEAST FOUND MYSELF ON A PRETTY DECENT PATH OF THINKING AND UNDERSTANDING. I HOPE YOU ALL WILL JOIN ME.

PLEASE REMEMBER, KEEP AN OPEN MIND, BE RECEPTIVE OF NEW IDEAS, DON'T BE AFFRAID TO GIVE ME FEEDBACK AND SHOW LOVE. HELL, I AIN'T DEAR ABBY OR SOMETHING, I AND DEFINATELY DON'T & WON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, IF WE WORK ON IT TOGETHER, WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

ALWAYS WITH LOVE,

ENIGMABLK