Ok, so another week has past, and I've had time to reflect on my own person feelings regarding relationships. I spoke to an old friend online this past week who peeped my blog and helped me come to grips with some things. Basically, he told me that he felt that I was holding back(obviously, i'm not gonna parade all my biz for you all), and that i needed to contemplate on my own feelings regarding love, relationships, and what truly makes me happy.So, after a lively discussion with my friend(that got a lil heated, and then sexually appealing near the end....what can I say, i'm a man.), I took some time to myself to ponder on my thoughts about my own pursuits of happiness.
Here I am, 31 years old, somewhat sucessful,(ain't ballin, but i'm not hurting for anything either), pretty family oriented, somewhat popular in the circles that i run in(though, i've never been one to be snooty, or stand-offish. Just keep to myself most of the time.), and yet when it comes to relationships, I've probably got one of the worst averages for sucess possible. I've dated, and loved women, i've dated, and loved men. However, i've never really found happiness with either of them. I guess that further bosters my theory of the whole bi/dl sterotype(which i hate by the way). Basically, i've never seen gender as a boundry for love. The last two women i dated knew that i liked men, and the last two guys i dated, vice-versa. I've never been tempted to cheat on one with the other. If i'm with you, i'm with you....get it? But when it comes to happiness, it seems like i'm missing something.
Take my last serious relationship for example. Met this guy in late 2007, we talked, exchanged ideas and feelings. Really got a vibe for one another. Started dating, really working well. Then certain circumstances prevented us from being together(the N#igga moved away on me). But because of the love I had developed for him, i went against one of my own rules and tried the "long-distance thang". Yes, i truly, and sincerly loved him, but the situation we were in prevented me from being happy with him.(Can't lie, i needed some love and attention and you can't do that for me 300 miles away) In essence, happiness was absent from the relationship.
By the same tolken, take the guy i've been seeing now. This brother knows how to make a dude feel like a king. Again were have some distance between us, but he definately makes an effort to see me, and i him when possible. When I'm with him, i'm happy. However, there are those moments when I feel like were on totally different pages with regards to things. We definately make each other happy, however the spark of love just hasn't kindled yet.
So, here I am, trying to discover what it takes for the two of these wonder feelings to co-exist with one another. Well, no one said that relationships were meant to be easy. So, we'll just see how things work out. Damn, where is Al Green when you need him?
To be continued...
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I dont know you yo, but I mos def feel your pain. I live in this city myself and am very much on the DL. It aint that Im really tryna hide anything other than me likin dudes, but shit, thas enough to wanna stay in hidin.
ReplyDeleteYou asked if love and happiness can exist together.
Well I personally feel like the two have to go together. I mean, I dont think there is love without some degree of happiness, and to me, there is no happiness that doesnt include some degree of love.
Just my personal feelins yo.