LOVE VS. HAPPINESS(CAN THE TWO CO-EXIST?)

Ok, so another week has past, and I've had time to reflect on my own person feelings regarding relationships. I spoke to an old friend online this past week who peeped my blog and helped me come to grips with some things. Basically, he told me that he felt that I was holding back(obviously, i'm not gonna parade all my biz for you all), and that i needed to contemplate on my own feelings regarding love, relationships, and what truly makes me happy.So, after a lively discussion with my friend(that got a lil heated, and then sexually appealing near the end....what can I say, i'm a man.), I took some time to myself to ponder on my thoughts about my own pursuits of happiness.

Here I am, 31 years old, somewhat sucessful,(ain't ballin, but i'm not hurting for anything either), pretty family oriented, somewhat popular in the circles that i run in(though, i've never been one to be snooty, or stand-offish. Just keep to myself most of the time.), and yet when it comes to relationships, I've probably got one of the worst averages for sucess possible. I've dated, and loved women, i've dated, and loved men. However, i've never really found happiness with either of them. I guess that further bosters my theory of the whole bi/dl sterotype(which i hate by the way). Basically, i've never seen gender as a boundry for love. The last two women i dated knew that i liked men, and the last two guys i dated, vice-versa. I've never been tempted to cheat on one with the other. If i'm with you, i'm with you....get it? But when it comes to happiness, it seems like i'm missing something.

Take my last serious relationship for example. Met this guy in late 2007, we talked, exchanged ideas and feelings. Really got a vibe for one another. Started dating, really working well. Then certain circumstances prevented us from being together(the N#igga moved away on me). But because of the love I had developed for him, i went against one of my own rules and tried the "long-distance thang". Yes, i truly, and sincerly loved him, but the situation we were in prevented me from being happy with him.(Can't lie, i needed some love and attention and you can't do that for me 300 miles away) In essence, happiness was absent from the relationship.

By the same tolken, take the guy i've been seeing now. This brother knows how to make a dude feel like a king. Again were have some distance between us, but he definately makes an effort to see me, and i him when possible. When I'm with him, i'm happy. However, there are those moments when I feel like were on totally different pages with regards to things. We definately make each other happy, however the spark of love just hasn't kindled yet.

So, here I am, trying to discover what it takes for the two of these wonder feelings to co-exist with one another. Well, no one said that relationships were meant to be easy. So, we'll just see how things work out. Damn, where is Al Green when you need him?

To be continued...

THE MOST AKWARD OF SUNDAY DINNERS

Sunday always brings a refreshing perspective to things on my heart and mind. For some strange reason, i developed a mind to be in church on Sundays at an early age. Guess it was my pastor, who himself was a professional muscian, that instilled that quality in me. He use to tell me that no matter how much partying he did on Friday and Saturday night, he just didn't feel right not being in church on Sunday. Kinda hypocritical, I admit...but it works for me.



This particular Sunday was an unusual one. Normally, i'd get my praise on at chruch, find my way over to moms house for some good cooking, and strectch out on the couch for a bit. But this week, with all the "Monkey Wrenches" that have been tossed in my path, I opted to accept an invitation from a friend I ran into at the club Saturday night to come over and have dinner at his spot.



Now, those of you who know me, you just know i'm anti-social, right? So untrue!! I guess i just choose to be cautious about my actions and behavior around people in the lifestyle. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something about some people in this gay culture that just comes off as so fake. Not that we don't deal with fake people in the everyday world, but my Fake-O-Meter constantly goes off regarding meeting people in the lifestyle. Then again, I myself have on many occassions had to put on a "happy face" in the presence of uncompfortable situations.But with all the issues i've been confronting, and still riding a spring fever high from the club, i decided to venture out of my comfort zone and accept the invite.



So i make it to my friends place, hit the door, walk in, and then it hits me....I REALLY AM UNCOMPFORTABLE MEETING GAY PEOPLE!

Ok, maybe that's an overstatement. I know how to be cordial when meeting folks. But some of us in this lifestyle tend to try and portray ourselves as something more than we are in hopes of masking our own insecurities. It's almost like your saying that being gay affords you to the opportunity to create an entirely different personality from who you really are. Maybe this is just a defense mechanism, who knows. I mean, it's already difficult enough being gay in this world, (especially in this ole-ass, bible-belt, deep south, country-ass city of Jax). However, many of us take these portrayals to extreme limits and measures, eventually cutting ourselves off from reality.

As I enter the living room and greet everyone, i recognize a couple of people from the club or previous run-ins(no, i'm not gonna elaborate...so don't ask). As if it wasn't difficult enough putting on a happy face around new people, now I have to pretend to be meeting most of them for the first time as well? Shit!

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like the odd one out before? Well, needless to say that was what I was feeling the whole time there. I took a seat in the corner, behind the couch(partially tryin to be inconspicuous and partially cause it was the only one left), and began to eat my meal while the others engaged in light conversation.

Then, here it comes....the awkward moments of silence. The quick, but subtle glances. As if you were being disected beneath a micro-scopic lens. Why do I subject myself to these kinda situations? Come on E-black, a friend invited you. Lets just maintain and be out at the earliest chance.

So , i sit and watch a lil tv(Entertainment Tonight, when i'd rather be watching the CBS World News) And try to be a lil engaging.

Oh Damn....Now BET? I hate this F'nk network!!

Ok E-black, you've been an cordial as you possibly can. Now it's time to find an out and get up out of here.

Damn, he beat me to that one. Ok, i'll catch it on the next commercial break.

Great, time to whip......

"Well folks, looks like the street lights are on, i best to get on home before it get late."

SUCESS....If i hurry, i can still catch happy hour at the bar.

Talk about an akward situation.

CLUB SCENES,DRAMA, & HEART STRINGS

Ok, so i'm still stressing over the relationship issues that have developed. So, what better way to blow off some steam than to hit the club and mingle for a bit(I have to admit, i want my relationship to work. But I do like to flirt...don't worry he knows) So, dispite the fact that J-ville boast to be the largest city in the country(land-wise anyway) the selection of night spots that cater to the GBLT lifestyle are a bit on the slim side. However, theres only one spot in town that would be worth hittin up on a Saturday night. (No, i'm not naming it...you already know)

Ok, so i hit the door a lil after 12. Grab my usual spot at the front bar where the head bartender is a good friend(Hell, he's everyone's good friend), and I post up. It must have been something in the air...spring fever. Call it what you what. But I saw some faces I havn't seen in a good minute or two. Old friends were just poppin up out the woodworks and such. I saw an ole flame that just always managed to make me feel good no matter what mood i was in. Some of my friends who have been dating forever(damn, there bout to move away), and some new faces of peeps that i've chatted with online over the years.

I have to admit, for the first time in a long time if felt good to be in the spot and enjoying the atmosphere with friends. Definately the distraction I needed at the moment from my own relationship/monkey wrench situation.

But as I sat there and soaked up the vibe I couldn't help but ponder on some things. What was so special about this particular night that everyone was seeming to get along? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that we don't know how to behave. But I have to tell you that I have been present on some nights where it was just simply "Awf Tha Chain" up in there. I don't know if it was the full moon, or the hot summers(you know us folks don't do heat well) but I can recall some nights where fights would break out at the drop of a hat in that spot.

However, just like the seasons change, so do people. With the dawn of a new spring, people mature, habits and behaviors change(not always for the best though), and some the the "kids" that I can remember sneakin in the club at 17 and sneakin drinks at 20, I have to say I was proud to see conducting themselves with a lil grown and sexy swag now at 21-25.

Yet, dispite in the mist of a club riding a good vibe for the night, i couldn't help but notice how drama will definately try to find a way to creep it's ugly M#thaF#ckin head in.

Aight, so i've had a good time, i run into one of my friends(not a close friend...you know i don't do close friends), but a good dude who i've always admired. This boi never has a frown on his face. This is the only dude that I know that could turn down and advancement from you(believe me i've tried), do it with a smile and make you feel good that he did it. So, i have to admit it caught be by surprise to look accross the bar as the club was lettin out to see him with a frown. Something obviously had went down that didn't sit to well with him. As I'm walkin to my car, he's in front of me, upset about something. It's normally not my place to worry bout other peoples shit. But me and dude share the same sign, so i can kinda relate to how he feels(specially when you get pissed bout something). So, i made it a point to check on him and at least speak.

I guess the point of my story is this: We all talk often about the stereotypes of this lifestyle. How just simply by design certain things will transpire. It just is what it is, right? I mean, here's a guy whom I have alot of respect for. Well respected in the GBLT community, always seems to be on point(except the nigga always seem to be out of cigarettes and bumbin mine. Fuck it, the dude has always been 100 with me) And yet, dispite the fact that he seems to have most things in tack, he too is dealin with drama.

So, if this brother can be affected by drama and issues, who the hell am I to complain about how my sh*t isn't goin well, right?

And i guess thats the premise of this entry. Many of us talk about how we desire to kick it, chill, hang out with someone, have a relationship that is drama free. We proclaim from our profiles that we don't do "drama". But what is drama? Ok, many of us are desirous of being in a relationship, finding that person that we can spend our time with, and develop something meaningful in the long run. But we fail to realize that in order to get to that level there has to be some sort of emotional attachments. And when shit doesn't work out as planned, then things get a lil messy...i.e. drama.

And guess what peeps, no matter how much, you say your not about it, or you try to avoid it, when there are feelings involved it's going to go down.

Now, the key is this: HOW ARE YOU GONNA HANDLE IT WHEN IT DOES?

Think About It.....

I'm going to call the bf now.

Catch Yall Later.

E-Black

RELATIONSHIPS, EXES, & MONKEY WRINCHES.

OK, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER DISCUSS THIS ISSUE OUTSIDE OF MY OWN HEAD, LET ALONE ON A BLOG FOR THE WORLD TO SEE....BUT OK.

RELATIONSHIP: 1: the state of being related or interrelated 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: kinship b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b: a romantic or passionate attachment

EX: : one that formerly held a specified position or place ; especially : a former spouse

MONKEY WRENCH: 1 : a wrench with one fixed and one adjustable jaw at right angles to a straight handle 2 : something that disrupts

OK, SO I'M DATING AGAIN(SPECIFICALLY THIS ONE GUY I MET) THE VIBE IS GOING WELL(DISPITE SOME ROAD BUMPS) AND I'M AT LEAST ON MY WAY TO FEELING HAPPY ABOUT THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP ASPECT OF MY LIFE AGAIN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN...I GET THE CALL. IT'S THE EX. "JUST CALLING TO SEE HOW YOU BEEN. WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M MOVING BACK TO TOWN...ETC. I'M DATING SOMEONE."

OK, INITIALLY I'M THINKING THIS IS JUST AN ATTEMPT TO THROW IT IN MY FACE. YOU KNOW...KINDA A WAY OF SAYING, "LOOK, I'M OVER YOU NOW..BLAH, BLAH". TO WHICH I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH. RELATIONSHIPS COME AND GO...IT'S NATURAL RIGHT. I'M ON MY WAY TO BEING HAPPY, YOUR ON YOUR WAY TO BEING HAPPY. THEN END.....RIGHT?

THEN THIS NIGGA LAYS IT ON ME...."I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU"

NOW WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT SHIT?

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

NOW, I'LL ADMIT, OLE E-BLACK MADE PLENTY OF MISTAKES WITH THIS GUY. I WASN'T ABLE TO DO FOR HIM LIKE I REALLY WANTED TO WHEN WE FIRST MET. AND YES, I SOMETIMES LOST MY TEMPER(GIVE ME A BREAK...I'M HUMAN) BUT I ALWAYS TRIED TO AT LEAST BE STR8 UP ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR HIM AND ABOUT HIM.

NOW , WERE SEPARATED. I'M WITH SOMEONE ELSE, YOUR WITH SOMEONE ELSE(WHOM YOU HAVE EXPRESSED YOU NOW LIVE WITH...YEAH, I'M STILL A LIL SALTY BOUT THAT) BUT WERE BOTH MOVING ON.....RIGHT?

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

WTF YOU MEAN YALL MOVING IN TOGETHER? (SO SOON...DAMN.) *SCRATCHES HEAD* I MEAN, WE JUST BROKE UP NO LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AGO. IT'S COOL, LONG AS YOUR HAPPY, THEN I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

INSERT MONEKY WRENCH!!!!

HOLD IT...YOU MEAN YOU AND THIS NIGGA DONE BEEN ON VACATION TOGETHER? (DAMN...WE HAVN'T BEEN SEPARATED THAT LONG...WTF? ) NAW, IT'S COOL THOUGH. I'M GLAD YALL HITTIN IT OFF WELL.

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!!

WHY CAN'T I REACH OLE BOI? (CURRENT BF) AND WHY ARE YOU(THE EX) TEXTIN ME IN THE NIGHTIME? SHOULD YOU BE WITH YA DUDE? WHAT YOU MEAN HE'S IN THE OTHER ROOM....GO IN THERE WITH HIM THEN.

INSERT MONEKY WRENCH!!!!!!!!

LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS...YOUR DATING SOMEONE, SO AM I. LETS JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. NO, I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU. YOUR STILL IN LOVE WITH ME? DAMN!

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*TEXTING THE EX AT 1AM* HOW THE F*CK YOU GOIN TELL ME YOUR IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT YET YOU GOT THIS NEW NIGGA IN YO HOUSE(TO WHICH I WAS NEVER ALLOWED), GOIN ON TRIPS(WHEN YOU WOULD NEVER COME VISIT ME WHEN I WAS DOWN ON MY LUCK), AND LAYIN IN YO BED(WHEN WE DAMN SHO HAVE NEVER SHARED AN INTIMATE MOMENT) WTF!!!??

AIGHT E-BLACK...QUIT TRIPPIN...IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS. YOU HAVE A DUDE OF YOUR OWN NOW. HE'S BEEN HOLDING YOU DOWN WHEN YOU DEFINATLEY NEEDED IT. LET THAT SH#T GO.

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK (EX) I TOLD YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS.........OK, YES, I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO. BUT I JUST DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS.

HOLD IT...YOU THE ONE BROUGHT THIS SHIT UP! AND NOW YOU TALKIN BOUT YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS? WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? I TOLD YOU, IF I CAN'T BE YOUR MAN, THEN I DAMN SHO DON'T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND!!! HOW THE F*CK YOU GOIN TELL ME SOME SH#T ABOUT YOU LOVE ME, AND ANOTHER NIGGA IS LAYIN IN BED WITH YOU. NOW I CAN'T SLEEP, THINKING BOUT YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE. HAVING THE LIFE THAT WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAVING.

LEMME CALL MY DUDE...I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.

WHAT.....ARE YOU SERIOUS (CURRENT BF). WHAT YOU MEAN WE NEED TO JUST FUCK AND GET IT OUT OUR SYSTEM. LMAO!!! YOU SILLY MANE...GUESS THATS WHY I LOVE YOU DUDE.

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

9PM

*CALLING THE BF*

NO ANSWER

10PM *CALLS BF* NO ANSWER

10:15 *TEXTING THE EX*

HEY, YOU BUSY?
*REPLY*
NAW, WSUP?

*ON THE PHONE WITH THE EX*

3AM
*LYING IN BED, WONDERING WHERE THE BF IS*

WHY HAVN'T I HEARD FROM HIM? QUIT TRIPPIN E-BLACK, YOU KNOW OLE BOI IS OUT OF TOWN WORKING. IT'S COOL.

DAY TWO

HAVN'T HEARD FROM THE BF, WONDER IF EVERYTHING IS OK? NAW, I'M SURE HE'S FINE.

DAY THREE

STILL HAVN'T HEARD FROM THE BF. WONDER WHAT THE EX IS DOING?

*TEXING THE EX*

INSERT MONKEY WRENCH!!!

WHY THE F*CK COULDN'T MY EX JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. NOW I'M SECOND GUESSING MYSELF. AND OLE BOI IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND(CURRENT BF) MAYBE I JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE.

TO BE CONTINUED......

LIVING THE LIFE....IN THE RIVERCITY (INTRODUCTION)

OK, YALL DONE MADE ME DO. FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I'VE BEEN TALKIN BOUT THIS DAMN BLOG FOR A MINUTE, AND NOW IT'S HERE.

WHY START A BLOG E?....WHY EVEN CARE?

I DON'T KNOW GANG, BUT OBVIOUSLY I'VE BEEN HARBORING SOME DEEP FEELINGS BOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE.

I HAVE COME TO DISCOVER THAT LIVING THE GBLT LIFESTYLE IS TRULY A UNIQUE AND PERPLEXING SITUATION AT TIMES....ESPECIALLY LIVING IN THE RIVERCITY(DUVAL!!!!!) HOWEVER, I STAND BY SOME OF MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LIFESTYLE...SIMPLY PUT: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT HOW YOU DO IT THAT COUNTS. SO WHY NOT USE A FORUM WHERE I CAN EXPRESS MY IDEAS AND VIEWS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE AND DIGEST FOR THEMSELVES.

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M NOT ABOVE ANYONE ELSE WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH SITUATIONS. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME, KNOW THAT I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF SPECIAL AT ALL. YEAH, I GOT A PRETTY NICE WHIP(SHIT, SOME OF YALLS ARE BETTER). YEAH, I GOT SWAG( BUT I CAN'T TOUCH SOME OF YALL). HOWEVER, PERIODICALLY FROM TIME TO TIME PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT THEY REALLY ADMIRED HOW I HANDLE AND CONDUCT MYSELF WITH CERTAIN THINGS. PEOPLE HAVE READ MY PROFILE ON VARIOUS SITES(WHICH WILL REMAIN NAMELESS...NO SHOUTOUTS....LOL) AND SAID THAT THEY ENJOYED READING WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. SO I FELT THAT IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL FOR MY PEOPLE (GBLT) IN THIS CITY.

NOW, PLEASE UNDERSTAND...SOME OF THIS, SOME OF YOU WON'T GET. IT'S OK, THERES ALOT THAT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS LIFE AND LIFESTYLE. BUT IF WE CAN BEGIN TO HAVE MEANINGFUL DISCUSSION AND DIALOGUE ABOUT THINGS THAT AFFECT US, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE WE CAN CAUSE SOME OF THE THINKING AND BEHAVIOR OF THE GBLT COMMUNITY TO CHANGE IN THIS CITY.

NOW, I'M ONLY ONE MAN, NOBODY SPECIAL. BUT I THINK AT THIS POINT IN LIFE I HAVE AT LEAST FOUND MYSELF ON A PRETTY DECENT PATH OF THINKING AND UNDERSTANDING. I HOPE YOU ALL WILL JOIN ME.

PLEASE REMEMBER, KEEP AN OPEN MIND, BE RECEPTIVE OF NEW IDEAS, DON'T BE AFFRAID TO GIVE ME FEEDBACK AND SHOW LOVE. HELL, I AIN'T DEAR ABBY OR SOMETHING, I AND DEFINATELY DON'T & WON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, IF WE WORK ON IT TOGETHER, WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

ALWAYS WITH LOVE,

ENIGMABLK