THE MOST AKWARD OF SUNDAY DINNERS

Sunday always brings a refreshing perspective to things on my heart and mind. For some strange reason, i developed a mind to be in church on Sundays at an early age. Guess it was my pastor, who himself was a professional muscian, that instilled that quality in me. He use to tell me that no matter how much partying he did on Friday and Saturday night, he just didn't feel right not being in church on Sunday. Kinda hypocritical, I admit...but it works for me.



This particular Sunday was an unusual one. Normally, i'd get my praise on at chruch, find my way over to moms house for some good cooking, and strectch out on the couch for a bit. But this week, with all the "Monkey Wrenches" that have been tossed in my path, I opted to accept an invitation from a friend I ran into at the club Saturday night to come over and have dinner at his spot.



Now, those of you who know me, you just know i'm anti-social, right? So untrue!! I guess i just choose to be cautious about my actions and behavior around people in the lifestyle. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something about some people in this gay culture that just comes off as so fake. Not that we don't deal with fake people in the everyday world, but my Fake-O-Meter constantly goes off regarding meeting people in the lifestyle. Then again, I myself have on many occassions had to put on a "happy face" in the presence of uncompfortable situations.But with all the issues i've been confronting, and still riding a spring fever high from the club, i decided to venture out of my comfort zone and accept the invite.



So i make it to my friends place, hit the door, walk in, and then it hits me....I REALLY AM UNCOMPFORTABLE MEETING GAY PEOPLE!

Ok, maybe that's an overstatement. I know how to be cordial when meeting folks. But some of us in this lifestyle tend to try and portray ourselves as something more than we are in hopes of masking our own insecurities. It's almost like your saying that being gay affords you to the opportunity to create an entirely different personality from who you really are. Maybe this is just a defense mechanism, who knows. I mean, it's already difficult enough being gay in this world, (especially in this ole-ass, bible-belt, deep south, country-ass city of Jax). However, many of us take these portrayals to extreme limits and measures, eventually cutting ourselves off from reality.

As I enter the living room and greet everyone, i recognize a couple of people from the club or previous run-ins(no, i'm not gonna elaborate...so don't ask). As if it wasn't difficult enough putting on a happy face around new people, now I have to pretend to be meeting most of them for the first time as well? Shit!

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like the odd one out before? Well, needless to say that was what I was feeling the whole time there. I took a seat in the corner, behind the couch(partially tryin to be inconspicuous and partially cause it was the only one left), and began to eat my meal while the others engaged in light conversation.

Then, here it comes....the awkward moments of silence. The quick, but subtle glances. As if you were being disected beneath a micro-scopic lens. Why do I subject myself to these kinda situations? Come on E-black, a friend invited you. Lets just maintain and be out at the earliest chance.

So , i sit and watch a lil tv(Entertainment Tonight, when i'd rather be watching the CBS World News) And try to be a lil engaging.

Oh Damn....Now BET? I hate this F'nk network!!

Ok E-black, you've been an cordial as you possibly can. Now it's time to find an out and get up out of here.

Damn, he beat me to that one. Ok, i'll catch it on the next commercial break.

Great, time to whip......

"Well folks, looks like the street lights are on, i best to get on home before it get late."

SUCESS....If i hurry, i can still catch happy hour at the bar.

Talk about an akward situation.